* Lights go on in what appears to be a busy Tokyo street *

 Bo: Welcome to the first episode of 'The Anime Hunter', the show where
we go through the anime world attempting to view and explain the cool,
the interesting, and that that is just plain strange. I'm your host,
name's Bo. Today we're gonna try to observe a species all its own in
its natural habitat- the species being the anime lecher, the natural
habitat being right where we are now, the busy streets of Japan. C'mon,
let's see what we can find. (looks around, cranes neck) I believe we've
found something right now! Follow me everybody!

 (I run ahead at a fairly quick pace and duck behind a park bench)

 Bo: Now, there's a fine specimen. Let's watch it stalk its prey. Now,
you don't want to get in too close to these lechers. They aren't much
of a threat, but... You know, just sit back. Watch them and see for
yourself why you don't want to get close.

 Riley: The bench's in the way.

 Bo: Almost forgot, this here's my camera operator, Riley.

 Riley: Hi.

 Bo: Lemme see the camera.

 (Sound of camera being pulled off tripod while camera sways
epileptically)

 Bo: Got it. I'll just crawl under this bench.

 (Camera moves forward a few feet, thus being able to show you the
scene that is about to occur. As you may have suspected, this also
gives a minor panty-shot)

 Bo: Looks like we lost a little time there. It seems to be stalking
its prey rather closely. Looks like it's going to attempt to catch its
prey right now. Watch it run right up to it- never a particularly smart
move, especially from the front! And- oh no. Oh no.

 Riley: He's a goner.

 Bo: Yes, he's just grabbed her chest. And the prey is a tad angry.

 (Sound of loud left hook, lech flies into the park bench)

 Bo: Whoa! A little close there.

 Riley: Uh, that girl's coming this way.

 Bo: So she is.

 Riley: No, she's noticed the camera.

 Bo: Say what?

 (Camera zooms in. The lechee is looking right at the camera lens.)

 Riley: She's comin' this way!

 Bo: Oh (bleep)!! Run for your life!

 (Camera view immediately shifts to the other side of the park bench,
where it is then apparently tucked underneath my arm because that is
the only way to explain the Blair Witch Project-style camera movement.
It is extremely obvious that the lechee is outrunning me. The camera
is pitched to Riley in a desperation maneuver.)

 Bo: Save yourself Riley! We'll be right back after these messages, or
at least I hope we are!!

* commercial *

 Actor playing a lawyer: Okay, we've got all the evidence we need to
have this murdering scumbag locked up for life, including a full
confession by the killer.

 Another actor playing a lawyer: Sir, he's being represented by Drab
and McFisticuffs.

 (dramatic silence and freeze frame)

 Actor playing a lawyer: We better settle.

 Announcer: Here at the offices of Drab and McFisticuffs, we will do
our utmost to make sure you get all you can from any case. Even if you
are obviously a lying psychotic scumbag who by all rights we should
have shot in the head with an entire SMG clip the moment you entered
our offices.

* back to the show *

 Bo (bruised minorly in the face): And we're back and I've only taken
minor damage. Which brings me to the following point. I took the same
left hook the lech just took. He flew into the park bench- a good
twenty feet! I just wound up with a pain in my jaw. Point being, these
anime lechers are nearly immune to gravity and all known laws of
physics- as long as it involves an attack by an enraged anime girl!

 Riley: I got that on tape during commercial. Wanna see it?

 Bo: Go ahead, but not until I say one last thing. During this video, I
look badly hurt from the punch, but I just played dead until the girl
went away.

 Riley: I gave the signal.

 Bo: And I thank you for that. Hit it.

 (video tape plays, showing me being overtaken by the lechee and being
socked in the jaw exactly as the lecher was- I do fall down, for
reasons mentioned above)

 Riley: Pretty big hit.

 Bo: Yes, which brings me to another important anime law of physics.
An enraged girl's strength can multiply as many as thirty times
whenever someone who cannot be classified as a bad guy-type angers her.

 Riley: And if it is a bad guy?

 Bo: Her strength is cut by three-quarters. 'Course that's only if the
bad guy in question has not captured her or something like that, and
even if he HAS, only if anyone capable of saving her has NOT entered
her line of sight yet.

 Riley: What about if the hero of an anime's female? Like 'Dirty Pair'?

 Bo: Nothing happens to her strength, which is enough to get her ass
kicked BAD for a while, then suddenly release an inanely powerful 
adrenaline rush capable of knocking any bad guy flat within one minute.

 Riley: Shouldn't we get back to the anime lecher topic?

 Bo: Good idea. Perhaps we could get in closer to their prey and talk
to the prey directly. Remember, the predator has its motivation, and
the prey has its own too!

 Riley: Yo, Bo. To your left, my right, I see a 38-D purple-hair with
long legs and short skirt.

 Bo: Bingo. Let's chat with her.

 Riley: This isn't gonna be like the pilot episode where you hit on a
girl during commercial and the rest of the episode is you being treated
for a groin injury, is it?

 Bo: I told you not to bring that up again. In fact, with her, and the
right 'motivation'...

 (I hold up 5,000 yen)

 Bo: ...We just might be able to use her as bait to draw out and subdue
the predators ourselves, thus REALLY finding out what makes 'em tick!
Miss! I'd like to ask you something!

 Anime girl: (looking my way) Like what? (walking over) Hey, what's
with the camera? Am I on TV or something?

 Bo: Yes, as a matter of fact, you are on the very first episode of
'The Anime Hunter'!

 Anime girl: Oh, cool! (waving toward camera) Hi!

 Riley: What's up?

 Anime girl: Hi, who are you?

 Bo: That's Riley, the camera operator. I'm Bo, the host. Why don't you
tell me your name?

 Anime girl: I'm Reimi.

 Bo: Reimi, would you be willing to do us a favor?

 Reimi: Sure. ...What do you need?

 Bo: I want you to kind of act as bait for us. We're on the hunt for
anime lechers, and we're gonna find out what makes 'em tick!

 Reimi: Uhmmm... I-

 Bo: We'll pay you and I'll take down the first one who comes. From
there, you can just stand and watch as I show some of its physical
characteristics!

 Reimi: ...Okay.

 Riley: Cool. Let's get to work, you two.

 Bo: Good idea. Now, viewers, there are several places where anime
lechers tend to gather in packs. Most of them are teenagers, by the
way, so what does that tell you almost automatically, Reimi?

 Reimi: Easy. They go to school. I've had what you're asking me to do
happen there MANY times, without the benefit of payment and being on
TV.

 Bo: Precisely! They also tend to hang out near any book store that
deals in naughty magazines, although it's often tough to gauge where
those are.

 Reimi: I think a lot of them stay at home a lot, too.

 Bo: Thanks to the internet, and we all know what that can easily get
you.

 (Riley, Reimi and I nod in agreement)

 Bo: Those are just three of many places where you can spot these
specimens in the wild-

 Reimi: And people like me tend to run into them on accident quite a
bit...

 Bo: That's true, too. Riley, what's today?

 Riley: The eighth.

 Bo: I mean what day is it?

 Riley: Uh... Thursday.

 Reimi: It's 3:17 right now.

 Bo: Good, that means that it's almost time for massive release of the
specimens we're looking for.

 Reimi: You're too late in most areas. I got out over an hour ago.

 Bo: Blasted time slot.

 Riley: Some're probably still open.

 Reimi: Just one near this area. Better follow me, 'n hurry.

 Bo: How far is it?

 Reimi: 800 meters, I think.

 Bo: Well, while we run, let's go to a commercial.

* commercial *

 (series of vastly unrelated imagery)

 Announcer: Isn't YOUR life worth Fauxbeon? It's a simple pill that
relieves all known back problems, including once-fatal spinal diseases.

 Reeeeeeally fast announcer-type voice: Fauxbeon is not for people who
are minors, are pregnant, nursing, over 65, people with or have had at
least 15 variations of the common cold, narcoleptic, tired, under any
kind of prescription drug that involves more than two vowels in its
name, anyone who actually can perform a rolling savate kick, miners,
smokers, drinkers, non-smokers, men without hats, any of the American
Gladiators, people on medical steroids, people on street 'roids, people
with milky film on their eyes, anyone whose age involves two identical
digits or digits that add up to 5 or 7, a partridge in a pear tree,
people who achieve motion sickness during the centrifuge ride on Space
Mountain, people who use gas as a part of their job, people who just
produce a lot of gas, SUV drivers, anyone in ownership of a-

* back to the show with me seemingly stabbing the play button on the
camera with my index finger *

 Bo (breathing heavily): Criminey. Commercial ran a little long.

 Reimi: Just how long has it been since you last ran?

 Bo: Quite some time, Reimi.

 Riley: We didn't think they were gonna pick this show up.

 Reimi: Looks interesting enough to ME...

 Riley: You haven't seen the topic of episode four yet.

 Reimi: Why, what's that?

 Bo: We can't say for sure until we get word on whether or not that
episode can actually air.

 Reimi: (whispering) Tell me later then... (normal) So where do you
want me to stand?

 Bo: Just pace around in front of the school until someone comes up to
you.

 Riley: I'll hide in the bush.

 Bo: So will I. Just let out a short yelp if you got one. Oh, for those
of you just tuning in, we're using this charming young lass, Reimi, to
catch and examine an anime lecher, then return it to the wild unharmed,
assuming Reimi isn't forced to punch it.

 Reimi: And I will if it grabs my chest.

 Bo: You have my permission- we weren't going for a dental ID anyway.

 Reimi: Okay, I'll get walking, then.

 (Reimi walks a short distance away and begins pacing)

 Bo: Do you have the time, Riley?

 Riley: 3:26.

 Bo: ...Riley, Riley! Point the camera toward that window and zoom in!

 (I point frantically)

 Riley (pointing): That one?

 Bo: Yeah! Now, you see those people near that window I had Riley zoom
in on? Notice how they weren't there a second ago! Zoom in a little
closer, Riley, so we can reveal that...

 (camera zooms in, clearly showing males)

 Bo: ...They are indeed the specimens we're looking for! Cut the zoom,
Riley! They'll be out the door any minute.

 Riley: Gotcha.

 (camera zooms out, pointed toward the door)

 Bo: Aaaaaaaand... NOW!

 (school bell rings, everyone goes out)

 Reimi: You guys!

 Bo: Here I go! Get ready with the camera, Riley!

 Riley: Can do.

 (I tackle one lecher from behind and pin him down)

 Bo: Got one! Hurry, Riley!

 (camera does a Blair Witch on the way over)

 Riley: Got it!

 Reimi: Good timing.

 Bo: Thanks. Now, let's get a closer look. The anime lecher's eyes are
well-developed in order to spot their prey more efficiently. It's hard
to see, but that's how they are. Note the resistance the lecher is
putting up, yet notice its complete lack of progress in throwing me
off! That further displays the complete lack of physical strength the
anime lecher possesses- except in its legs! These buggers are FAST and
can track down their prey with pinpoint accuracy. Riley, check Reimi
real quick.

 Riley: Okey-dokey- whoa, that's gonna hurt in the morning!

 (Riley had spotted Reimi kicking two guys)

 Bo: BUT, as I said, their lack of physical strength is a huge
detriment to their activity! However, while this doesn't happen often,
in some cases the anime lecher is able to use its suction cup-like
hands to actually hang on to its prey for a long time until its prey
or some outside force is able to provide resistance!

 Riley: Like that one is doing with Reimi?

 (Riley points the camera at Reimi, who is currently under that grab
by an anime lecher. I release the one I captured, then go over to
Reimi)

 Bo: We're done with that one. Okay, now while I try not to hurt the
things we observe on this show, there are some special exceptions in
which it's considered okay. Like now, for instance. Try to hold still,
Reimi.

 (I throw a right hook at the anime lecher's head, knocking him out
instantly)

 Bo: He WILL be okay, but he'll wake up with a bad headache. Reimi, are
you all right?

 Reimi: Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks for bailing me out.

 Bo: For now, we're just about done, so let's go to commercial.

* commercial *

 Reeeeeeally fast announcer-type voice: -training in the Navy or
Coast Guard, anyone who has beaten the SuperDragon training on Gold in
Perfect Dark but NOT the Dragon training on Gold, people who have
participated in a Teen Week on any game show, people who have at any
time in their lives fallen asleep exactly at 8:36 p.m. EST, that dirty
squealer who's at the bottom of the ocean with cement overshoes, anyone
with the names 'Harry', 'Earl', 'Cara' or 'Yuki', people who have a
hair count less than 50,000, NRA members, people on the production
team of any movie that involved more than ten uses of CG, ninja attack
victims, Humphrey Bogart, or helicopter explosions, people who have
been shot in the leg, people who have at one time or another thrown a
dirty sock at another person, anyone who has licked a fire hydrant,
people who do not-

* back to the show, with me stabbing the play button on the camera *

 Bo: I don't even want to know how much I missed on that list.

 Riley: We missed about eight minutes of that. I'd guess that camera
operators are on that list.

 Reimi: Yeah, really.

 Bo: Anyway, this about does it for our study of the anime lecher, a
strange specimen to be sure! Join us next week, you won't want to miss
it!

 Riley: See ya later!

 Reimi: Bye!

* cut to credits and one final commercial *

 Reeeeeeally fast announcer-type voice: Fauxbeon has been shown to have
the following side effects in some people: rashes, colds, sweaty palms,
eye irritation, stomach-aches, sores, dysentery, gaseous emissions,
intestinal distress, growth of additional limbs, tentacle attacks,
the ability to fly into ceilings like in Half-Baked, an irrational
desire to get down with your bad self, magnetism toward loganberries,
locking up of all limbs after using words that start with the prefix
're', vomiting of foods consumed when you-

* next show comes on *