Frogger Advance
The Great Quest

You know what's so great about Frogger? Simplicity. There's a simple story that you don't have to think or worry about. You're a stupid FROG. You have to cross a stupid STREET. But there are stupid CARS. That's basically it. FROG, STREET, CARS. You hop along the road and avoid getting run over. Simple, easy to understand, makes sense. It's about survival. We all understand that.

Now if they stayed with that, it could do wonders.

This is the ugliest thing I've ever seen.

But

Unfortunately, there are people out there who come up with great ideas on how to improve on everything. Naturally they are good at everything because they have an M.D. in being smart. And they feel that anything they do will only prove how smart they are, no matter how little thought or effort they put into it.
These people are the enemy.

These are the people that provide the motivation for my ninja training. I learned martial arts from watching movies in slow motion, such as Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story, and that scene with Genghis Khan in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. I'm in the market for Japanese weapons, and have already purchased ninja throwing knives.

Well, here is the basic premise of the game.

What the ass-cramming barley soup is this crap?

Well, if this review is going to work out, I think I should put the horrendous story behind me and just get on with what I'm supposed to be doing here.

When you actually play, you'll be moving frogger along a dangerous swamp . . . . SWAMP? What the hell? Frogger is supposed to be in the middle of a busy street! Don't you know anything?
Sorry. Sometimes I get a little emotional about older games when I feel they've been disgraced. I'm afraid I just have this tendancy to

BUDDHA ON A WET BURRITO, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME? THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT? YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME!

You're asking a guy named Lumpy.

Excuse me again. I have a problem. But I am working on it. It's been twelve weeks since being diagnosed with vintage Tourettes. I haven't been taking my medication, but I've started a support group and we're working through it together. All two of us.

But anyway, you have to survive attacks by . . . Kiwibonga, am I allowed to swear? As in more extreme than "ass" and "bitch"? The inner rage is tearing me apart. I need to release this anger somehow.

You have to survive attacks by bitch-bitchass bugs! And ass-assbitch fish! And I swear by the many caps of mario, house cats!

 I shudder at the sight of this.

Magical bugs. Magical freaking bugs. Magical . . . . . . Damn you! Damn you all!

I'm sorry. I said I would put aside my anger over the blatant de-frogger-iza...............DAMN HELL BITCH CRAP ASS look at this! It's inhuman. It's insulting.
I'm insulted by this.

Yes. But I did not have sexual relations with her.
Admittedly, this is the best joke I could come up with. Sorry.

Note: At this point, rather than post more screenshots, I will only put up pics of things I think are cool.

So I pretty much got upset over what they did to the original frogger game. But as I played on, I figured I should just let it go and play it for what it is.
But the game has no fun value whatsoever. It clones every side-scroller ever made, there's nothing original about the way it's played, it's not particularly challenging, and it looks like crap.

1. We were rushed to produce the game on time.
2. There was only one of me, doing all the coding in my basement in-between my part-time job cleaning the floors at Eastside Mario's and my college course in computer programming. I begged the company to hire a graphics designer but they insisted on using my hand-drawn graphics which I openly admit are crappy. Then they sneaked into my basement while I was asleep and took my unfinished copy, making small altercations to characters names and finishing up levels by copying and pasting existing parts of the same
levels and putting a big exit sign in the middle of nowhere. They paid me in Indonesian currency!

In either case, my message to those who slaved to make this game is to find work for another company that will appreciate your efforts, and allow you the time to actually make a game. In case you missed my hidden message there, Frogger Advance is not
a game. As far as I'm concerned, it's just a bunch of code.