Bomberman
Tournament

Thank all those wacky gods for this game. Anubis, that means you too. It's amazing, really, how even after all these years, people can still make such CRAP.

And the thing about crap, is that it's the most disgusting stuff on the face of the earth, and yet there's such a magnanimous market for it that there will never be a shortage. Lest we forget garage sales, where people will spend all day looking for it.

This game combines the intrinsic coolness of bomberman with the infinite stupidity of Pokemon. If you believe in karma, then Bomberman has really damned himself this time. In his next life he'll likely be some sort of a hippo-pig hybrid that lives and dies wallowing and stewing in its own crap. In case you hadn't noticed, I love using the word crap.

Now, remember, it stars Bomberman. So it's not all bad. And the good people at Hudson soft went to great lengths to remind you of this. If you're ever in doubt that this game is worth playing at all, there are strategic insertions of the word "Bomberman" into the game.

All in a day's work for a sadistic pyromaniac.

And lets not forget the cliche pleas for help. There's a thousand variants of it, and Bomberman Tournament enjoys them all.
"You must help us", "You're our only hope", "Only you can defeat evil"

How can I say no to all of that guy?

Take your finger out of my eye, first.

Scattered through this game are "Karabons" who are basically ripoffs of Pokemon, and this alone reduces the quality of the game by about 40%

Probably cause they're something you made up.

The concept is not even disguised in the slightest. You battle them against other Karabons, they have special abilities based on elements, and they are infuriatingly cutesy. There is one featured on the main screen if you scroll up a little. If that little dude doesn't scream "I'm a dirty Pokemon" in your mind, you're probably not insane like me. Okay, bad example. But you have to admit there's a resemblance.

Let's look at the word Karabon itself. First, it ends in "on" which
should be enough of a resemblance for you to put any last pieces together.
But also, it appears to be made of two words.
"Kara" the Japanese word meaning "empty". As in "karate", or "empty hand"
"Bon" a short form of the french word "bon-bon" or "candy"

So Karabon means free candy. Can you argue with that?

...if you give a rat's ass.

Like many RPGs, this game involves you going around, doing favours for complete strangers that are completely irrelevant to your main goal. By helping this little girl find the ring that she lost in the woods, you convince a Karabon to accompany you in your mission, which you need to have a battle with some other kid who stands in the way of the city's only exit. Just like real life!

Most of the game, however, is running around and blowing things up. Damn straight. Bomberman, how could I have doubted you?

Physics lesson here, kids. Explosions only travel horizontally and vertically. And balloons don't get destroyed by explosions or shrapnel, they only make a stupid face and then deflate.

The one thing about this that really bothers me is that I can't blow up the OH HOLY GREASY SANDBAGS OF FECES annoying townsfolk, because the game does not allow you to place bombs while inside a city. How the hell else am I supposed to have fun?

WHERE ARE MY BOMBS! I NEED THEM! 

I guess I have to resort to destroying the big scary monsters in the forest. These monsters include, but are not limited to, demon-possessed balloons, little bouncing soap bubbles, evil trees, and the entire cast of Full House. Actually, I just added that last one. Wishful thinking I suppose. Un a completely unrelated note, I am currently working on a fan fiction of Full House where Danny Tanner goes on a drunken rampage and kills Kimmy Gibler. You can of course find this at http://www.fanfiction.net/ unless of course you have a life.

Ready.

Aim.

Fire.

The intro itself wastes valuable seconds introducing you to a boring setting, no characters, and only the most basic of conflicts.

Bomber Galaxy? What the urine-swilling county Sherrif is this crap?

You can thankfully skip the intro, but it plays it twice just to make sure. I'm not making this up, everyone. When the game starts, so does the intro. When you begin playing, it plays the intro again. If you want to actually sit through this intro, bear in mind that its speed is always the same. You can't progress to the next screen by pressing a button. Any button will skip the whole intro. Most of you won't have this problem, however, because you'll skip the damned thing in its entirety.

I've been circling around the main issue here, I guess, so why don't I get to that?

Is it fun?	Kind of.
Are the graphics any good?	A little.
How about the sounds/music?	The sounds aren't very prominent. The music is horrendously repetitive.
Control?	A little chunky.
Any naked chicks?	There are a couple of them, but not really.
What happen !!	Somebody set up us the bomb.

I see why Bomberman is reluctant to answer the phone.

Considering "Doc" talks like this.

Just so you know, there are some cool elements to this game. Over time, you can upgrade your bombs to landmines and inter-continental ballistic missiles (or so is my understanding) and this adds an element of fun to it. But I still would not recommend this game to its target market, which would be pre-teens over the age of six, because I have no idea where you go after you leave the first town. So again we are brought to a simple conclusion. Crap.

Is it worth playing?
Yes.
Is it worth buying?
No.
Is it worth renting?
No.
Is it worth borrowing from a friend?
Yes.
Is it worth downloading illegally?
Bomberman Tournament^TM is copyright of Hudson Soft, available for use in the United States and Canada under international copyright law. We at Kiwibonga.com do not encourage the act of rom piracy under direct of the ISDA, proudly making life a living hell for the miserable small-time crooks that you are, you filthy bastards.

May the force be with you. Party on. Additional generic pop culture reference.

Fin.