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01:29:16AM 05/25/2026
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- Now with more swearing! I don't know why I'm reviewing this game. I dont even know why I ever played it in the first place. It must stem from the fact that I hate myself and punish myself with crappy video games; a video masochist if you will. Well, enough about that. Read along as I recall my horrible gaming experience with Lizzie McGuire. 
Maybe if I don't do anything the game will shut itself off... I start the game up, and am eventually presented with the above screen. Begrudgingly, I press start and move along. For some reason, the developers of this game decided to throw in some loading screens. These screens are completely meaningless and usually just have some dumbass message on them like "Time to get organized!" 
Fun? Don't bet on it... The loading screen finally goes away, and I am presented with the main menu. There are five seperate options: When Cheerleaders Attack, Games, Fun With Friends, PDA, and Options. The first option sounded interesting, so I chose that. After waiting past another pointless loading screen, I am disappointed to find that the cheerleader violence I was expecting to find is actually just some suicide-inducing boring game. You, as Lizzie, have to wander around the level and collect retarded icon things. To thwart your icon-collecting journey, each level has a total of one whole cheerleader. While the name implies that this cheerleader would attack you, she just kind of wanders around aimlessly without any real intention of harming you. Then for some inane reason, you are granted the ability of shooting out some sort of flower-hadoken shit to electocute the cheerleaders that are minding their own damn business.  
The death animations are quite funny. Fighting disinterested cheerleaders gets boring fast, so I quit that and chose the next option, Games. I pondered for a moment and wondered why the previous menu item wasn't listed under games but instead recieved its own menu listing. But oh well, I figure the developers couldn't have been too smart in the first place if they decided to make a game based on a crappy Disney Channel sitcom. Anyways, upon opening the Games menu, I find that everything must be unlocked except for a crappy Connect Four ripoff (entitled "Code Blue" for some unknown reason). Delighted that there was now less for me to have to play through, I exited back to the main menu. Everything in the next option, Fun With Friends, was also locked, so I promptly ignored it. Unfortunately for me, the next option, PDA, was wide open. The features within are some of the most pointless things ever to be implemented into a video game. You can choose either the Class Tracker, Best Friends, Horoscope, or to turn the damn game off and throw it into the river. I wished to go with the fourth option, but there are some sick people out there who actually want to know the details of this game. Bastards... The Class Tracker does exactly what it sounds like. It enables you to waste an hour of your life inputting your class schedule, teacher's names, and subjects using the horrendous text interface. This is boring, so we move onto the next item, Best Friends. This is where the game truly insults your intelligence. This option is for people who cannot remember their friends names. Supposedly these people are you "best friends," but you cannot remember their names? Well, I guess if you actually sought to play a game about Lizzie McGuire, you would be that stupid. 
Booze is my only true friend... Finally, the last option, Horoscope, is equally useless. You type in your name, birthday, and today's date so the game will give you stupid advice about what to wear or that your secret crush actually hates you and is filing a restraining order against you. 
I don't believe it is very hygenic to wear the same outfit for a whole week... The final option on the main menu, Options, is probably the most disappointing one. I searched wholeheartedly, but could not find a self-destruct option. Instead, I could only choose to view the credits and know the names of those whom I must destroy, or adjust the difficulty (maybe to make the typing interface MORE aggravating?) Now the time comes to score this useless pile of steaming feces (NOTE: Now with more cursing and anger as per request by kiwibonga!). This game is so bad, I am sure I'm going to die sooner for having played this shit. Then after I die, as I am being judged, having played this game will be the deciding factor for damning me to hell. I think the only fun I had from this game is from watching the flowers in the background of the main menu spin. But that was only because I was sleep-deprived and suffering from a loss of brain cells after going through the other sections.  But spinning flowers aside, this game is a complete ass-raping of horrible glory (I know that doesn't make any sense, but I like the way it sounds :P). Getting run over by a truck, having both eyeballs gouged out, then being forced to rape a goat would be more fun than playing Lizzie McGuire. But anyways, on with the scoring:  6 rolls of toilet paper
 -30 IQ points
 Y=3X-2
 4 out of 5 proctologists agree
 1 stick of butter
 Lather, rinse, repeat
Yes, Lizzie McGuire is so ass-crammingly horrible that it doesnt deserve an actual grade, but instead the inane rambling of a broken man. By writing this, I hope I have extinguished any desire you may have had about playing Lizzie McGuire. But if for some reason you still want to play this monstrosity, you'll get what you deserve. Not my fault! posted by +Chaos on 12/14/2003 at 10:28:46PM Don't blame me, kiwi told me to use it. :p posted by +Hyena on 11/26/2003 at 07:43:51AM I wish you guys would stop stealing "ass-cramingly" I like how your review ended with the "Fight Club" logo. |