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01:29:11AM 05/25/2026
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- Tops... with ATTITUDE! When I first heard about BeyBlade, I thought it was some magical blade of aquatic origin. I was soon disappointed to learn that it was about tops. But oh, what's this? These tops are customizable! This piqued my interest, because for far too long my previous tops remained generic and uncustomizable. And what's more, these tops are meant for versus battling! Finally I would be able to proclaim my top prowess and become the top master! Basically the concept goes like this: You mix and match pieces together trying to create the uber-top. I assume different parts change your top's weight and shape to make it spin longer, spin faster, stand up against "attacks" better, and so on. Of course, anyone with a basic understanding of inertia could tell you that the heavier and wider something is, the better it spins. But no matter, its collectable! Now that you are familiar with the basics on the subject, I present you with: BeyBlade - Ikuze! Gekitou! Chou Jiryoku Battle! (You know it's good because there are three exclamation points in the title!)! Now you can play BeyBlade on the go! "But Chaos, what ever made BeyBlade non-portable?" you may ask. Of course, I would respond with "Silence infidel!" before running away from you and your barrage of insipid questioning. 
How does that "2002" fit into the title? This game tells the tale of two star-crossed lovers united by their love of tops while fighting the forces of evil... Okay, I'll be honest. I have no fucking clue what this game is about. The whole game is in Japanese and I can read nary a word of it. But let's not forget, you're playing a game about tops. What the hell kind of story would you expect? Instead, you shall be treated to my interpretations of the story based on the unnecessarily long conversation scenes. The game starts out in a playground with some sort of conversation between you and these four idiots who don't seem to understand the concept of personal space:  
  First, Bignose and Lips come along and insult your honor and integrity. The conversation is as follows: Bignose: Yo, look. It's that one guy! Lips: U R teh sux0r!1! You: Excuse me? Bignose: Shut up! You smell! And your mom is fat! Lips: omg lololol!!1 You: You have insulted my honor! And possibly my integrity as well. I'm not exactly sure... At this point, Mr. Hat and Other Guy enter the fray. Mr. Hat: Let us engage and do battle! Other Guy: I concur! Our tops shall prove superior to yours! Then at some point, a fifth guy comes along. But he's not important, so we don't really care about him. This dialogue takes up several minutes of constant tapping of the A button. Eventually, they all shut up and you get down to business. TOP BATTLING! You get to chose which of five you want to battle with. Before the actual battle starts, you are presented with this screen:  I really have no idea what that meter at the bottom is for. I assume it's some sort of power bar, but it doesn't seem to make any sort of difference during the battle. Now that all this business is sorted out, the actual battle ensues. The battles are just like real life BeyBlade matches. This game accurately simulates the feeling of watching helplessly as your top ignores any commands you try to send it. Woohoo, fun! Indeed, you just sit there as yours and your opponent's tops spin around the playing field. Not only that, but annoying commentary takes up half the screen at times. But since you have absolutely no control on your top, I guess it doesn't matter if you can see what's happening anyway.  
I'm not even sure which top is mine... You sit there watching for a few seconds, rage growing for having wasted precious minutes of your life, when suddenly something happens! Suddenly you are shown a close-up of your top and presented with a menu of two choices. "Glorious hallelujah!" you think to yourself, "I can actually have some say in how this battle goes!" But alas, your happiness soon fades when you realize both choices result in the same thing: getting smacked around by your opponents top. I assume the different options translate to "Take it like a man," and "Cry like a bitch." 
Either way, this isn't going to turn out well... On one occasion, I was actually able to execute an attack. How exactly I achieved this is a still mystery to me. At this point in the review is usually where I give the game an overall score. But seeing as how I couldn't complete the very first battle, I don't think I could accurately score it. But I'm going to go ahead and give it a 2, because I got to name my top "ANUS."  So what has BeyBlade taught us? Children often settle disputes with spinning plastic, tops don't respond well to verbal commands, and its fun to shout out "No, my ANUS is losing power!" in the heat of a battle. Haha! posted by +Hyena on 11/08/2003 at 09:52:47AM Great review, Chaos. :) Spite posted by Angel of Doom on 11/03/2003 at 01:35:49AM Hialrious. im tempted to d/l this game, simply to beat the first battle, and then laugh in your face about it. oh well. now to get back to my homework. ugh, that sounded so heathenous. |